New Alphabet - 2007
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I' d rather it be low,
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low,
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow,
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X- ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
Good One to Laugh
1. A Foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD, After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Three FASTEST means of Communication:
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: BE SPECIFIC
7. Let us be generous like this: Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says: we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says: No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.
A Nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some they handed in:
1)Dear God :
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You keep the ones You already have?
3)Dear God :
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
5)Dear God :
I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
7)Dear God :
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
Is it true my father won't get into heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Who draws the lines around the countries?
11)Dear God :
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK?
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
Thank You for the baby brother, but I think you got confused because what I prayed for was a puppy.
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.
18)Dear God :
I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best.
20)Dear God :
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.
22)Dear God :
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.